


Deanmon, Soulless!Sam and Casifer walk into a bar...

by foundatlantis



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Demon Dean Winchester, Evil Dean Winchester, Evil Lucifer (Supernatural), Evil Plans, Evil Sam Winchester, Frenemies, Lucifer Possessing Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Soulless Sam Winchester, Team Free Will (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 12:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22816468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foundatlantis/pseuds/foundatlantis
Summary: Demon Dean, Soulless Sam and Casifer walk into a bar, and go about getting absolutely no Evil Plans done, chatting about nothing in particular.
Relationships: Castiel & Lucifer (Supernatural), Crowley (Supernatural)/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Lucifer & Dean Winchester, Lucifer & Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 61





	Deanmon, Soulless!Sam and Casifer walk into a bar...

**Author's Note:**

> I really look forward to someone writing a full-on multi-chaper madness on this team-up of the century.

The hinges in the door had not been oiled, and they creaked, sharp, when three creatures walked into the bar. A chalkboard flashed, briefly, in the open door from the narrow street ⸺ 'Divina Comedia Bar', it read.

  
'Whiskey, rocks,' said the man with sharp features, who had bold eyes set deep in his pale face. His hair was rye, and cropped close to his head.

  
'One _Fallen Angel_ cocktail,' said the man with thin lips ⸺ a slip of amusement had settled in his eyes, cold; he smiled at the barwoman, and straightened the beige lapels on his trench coat, 'Their specialty, apparently. Try it, Sammy.'

  
'Call me that again, and I'll have you stewed in holy oil for dinner,' the third man said, with a chilling disinterest, and told the barwoman he would be having some cold water.

  
'The rule was_ "less soul ⸺ more alcohol",_ Sammy,' said the man with bold eyes, leaning over the bartop.

  
'The rule was_ "no soul ⸺ no rules",_ Dean,' said Sammy, flat. Dean made a grimace.

  
'So uptight, so nervous,' he said, 'Lay off it.'

  
'Not nervous,' said Sammy, 'Crowley's been close tail, you know it.'

  
'So?' said Dean.

  
'So perhaps you could tell your boyfriend to, what's it, _lay off it?'_ said Sammy ⸺ the bartender came close with three drinks in a scraped tin tray. He drank the cold water, slowly.

  
'You're just annoyed 'cause you can't have him,' said Dean, and swirled the golden whiskey in the pear-glass, watching the rocks glimmer in the bar's dim-red lights.

  
'I did,' the third man spoke, in his soft voice, 'You're not missing so much, Samuel.'

  
'Samuel?' muttered Sammy.

  
'Can't call you _Sammy_,' said the man, 'Can't even call you by your name. Pity, really.'

  
'I didn't say anything,' said Sammy, and added, after a thought, 'Just call me Sam.'

  
'Hmm,' the man made a low hum, taking a long drink of the _Fallen Angel_ cocktail ⸺ it was good, and tasted faintly of pepper, 'Soulless Sammy, Demon Dean. Yours have a ring.'

  
'Like yours doesn't,' said Dean, thoughtfully, 'Lucifered Cas? Casifered Lucifer?'

  
'Casifered,' said Lucifer, 'Yes, I like that.'

  
'We gotta find something else, then,' said Sam.

  
'Ah, you wound me,' said Lucifer, hand falling over his heart, 'Has our teamwork not satisfied you?'

  
'Some teamwork,' snorted Dean.

  
'We're not a team,' said Sam.

  
'We fight for one cause,' Lucifer said, smiling thin, 'Does that not make us a team?'

  
'Team Free Will reformed,' said Dean.

  
'Team Evil?' offered Sam, holding the rim of the cup to his lips. Lucifer produced a sleek metal box, clicked it open, and pulled up a long cigarette by its orange mouthpiece 

  
'Team _Fuck God,_' said Lucifer, pocketing the box without offering any.

  
'You smoke?' said Sam, pointedly.

  
'Do now,' said Lucifer, holding a flame on the tip of his finger to the white-topped end of the cigarette. Sam shot the couple next to then a sidelong glance.

  
'Saw nothing,' said Lucifer, 'Relax. We got things to talk about.'

  
'We're not going over your stupid plan, Luci,' said Dean, 'I've had enough of that from Crowley, lately.'

  
'How dare you compare,' said Lucifer, half-heartedly.

  
'Right,' said Sam, 'Yours is worse.'

  
'I liked you better with your soul,' said Lucifer, 'And with your sense of humor.'

  
'That meant to be a comeback?' said Dean, with amusement.

  
'_Meant_ to be,' Sam nodded.

  
'So mean,' said Lucifer, 'No wonder Cassie chose what he chose.'

  
'Castiel's a bit dim, eh?' said Dean.

  
'I should record you saying that,' said Sam, 'Once you're human again, play it back.'

  
'Ah, an evil plan worthy of our villainous team,' commented Lucifer, acrid, 'I'm kicking a puppy later today, want to come with?'

  
'I'm always up for kicking Crowley,' said Sam, hiding a sharp smile in his glass of cold water. Lucifer laughed.

  
'Hey, alright,' said Dean, with a reluctant grin, 'My boyfriend, no?'

  
'Fuck that,' said Sam, 'He's gone soft ⸺ no fun with him, now. I blame you, by the way.'

  
'Should be thanking me,' said Dean, 'Sam with no soul is an ungrateful ass, tell you what.'

  
'Sam _with_ a soul is an ungrateful ass,' said Lucifer, leaning back in his chair.

  
'Well, I should argue that,' Sam began, with a pompous air.

  
'You really shouldn't,' Dean broke in, 'Or I'd kick your killjoy ass off my Team _Fuck God.'_

  
'Your team?' said Lucifer; he seemed to be in a good spirit, and only smiled, waving for another _Fallen Angel_ to be served, 'Why, what an intriguing thing to say, demon.'

  
'A true thing, Archangel,' said Dean, 'I will bow to no leader who orders a _Sweet Angel's Fall_ cocktail, or whatever.'

  
'_Fallen Angel,'_ said Lucifer, in an offended tone, 'It's really good, actually. Would've offered, but I'm not one for fraternising with my slaves.'

  
'Your what now?' said Dean, quickly, leaning in close with a dangerous lilt in his voice. He blinked, and a rich black spilled into the whites of his eyes.

  
'Neat trick, but that ain't cutting it,' said Lucifer, and his tone was strange in the voice of Jimmy Novak, 'It's my team.'

  
'I suppose I shouldn't propose a golden middle, should I?' Sam said. He'd finished his water, and flipped the leaved in the menu with an idle air. 

  
'Definitely not yourself, no,' said Dean. Sam shrugged, dismissively, and told the bartender he would be having the _Golden Soul Sunday Special._

  
'The what?' said Dean, 'You cheesy son of a bitch.'

  
'We have the same mother,' said Sam, matter-of-factly; he seemed amused, and Dean scoffed.

  
'Unfortunately,' he said, at last, and dragged Lucifer's cocktail, which he had set of the bartop, across to himself, 'Lemme try.'

  
'Hey, manners,' said Lucifer, half-heartedly. Sam's drink was served, a glittering red mist in a tall glass. A thin sheen of golden flakes formed a glimmering top layer, beneath which a mass of chipped ice went down to the bottom of the drink.

  
'Oh, look, someone pissed in it,' said Dean.

  
'It's flaking, not liquid,' said Sam, 'Your jokes make no sense.'

  
'Some things never change,' said Lucifer, wistfully, and snatched his _Fallen Angel_ back from Dean's hands.

  
'They are not funny to _you_, because you don't understand good humour,' said Dean, 'Crowley appreciates my jokes, by the way. He's got good taste.'

  
'No, he _thinks_ he's got good taste,' said Sam, and shot Dean a sidelong glance, 'Well, birds of a feather, I suppose…'

  
'I never get tired of Soulless Sammy,' Lucifer announced.

  
'Good for you, man. I do,' Dean muttered, getting up and making for the door, and called out, 'You losers are boring. Meet me at the hideout.'

  
Some people in the small bar trailed Dean's back with confused looks as it disappeared in the doorway, and the hinges creaked.

  
'We should follow, too,' said Sam, 'I hear there's hunters in the area.'

  
'I'd use a good fight,' said Lucifer, dreamy.

  
'Please,' Sam smiled, 'they'll hardly give you _any_, not to mention a good one. And I'm not in the mood.'

  
'Fair enough,' said Lucifer, who did not want to follow Dean straight away; Sam assumed it was some sort of power show, 'Give it another ten minutes, and let's go.'

  
'Let's give it twenty,' said Sam, 'I do not want to walk in on anything this time, again.'

  
'Oh my Dad,' Lucifer muttered, recalling, 'Yeah, man. Neither.'


End file.
